Thursday, June 11, 2009

I'm not quitting



I get sad when I think about how neglected my art blog has been lately. I have hit a major inspiration slump. After the Missouri job (the 4 huge rooms of murals in 2 weeks) I sort of needed some down time. It took it out of me for a while. Then, I'm never my best in Jan/ Feb. Usually it's the best I can do to sew a little. March hit and it was still major winter around here and I was doing my best to keep the little ones entertained and myself in good spirits and then in April I got pregnant with #3. I try not to be a complainer, but if I had any creative juices in me, they all went straight to my core and drained out of my brain. I drew a little sketch of how I've been feeling which tries to show how being pregnant has seeped away all my will to be awake and do anything but gestate and try not to throw up. If I were to actually get out my paints I would paint this with all grays and browns and bright beautiful colors in the flowers fading out around them. The boys also need to be pulling a lot harder to make it more realistic and interesting. Initially I wanted Joren wrapped around and crawling up my leg and me partially falling over, but that would require drawing another face which I didn't have the energy for at the time.

So, even though I know there are only a few of you that check this blog, for those of you devoted readers, I just want to put it out there that I have not given up, I'm just taking a break for a while. I am actually packing up the studio into a storage unit and making the room into a play room. It will be much more useful that way. We will move next summer and by then my baby will be a few months old and maybe by then I will have some inspiration back. And then, we will have more space.

I get wistfall and nostalgic about letting something so dear to me rest. I used to think that art was so inherent to who I am that if I let it go I would cease to be me. I've learned that is not true, although as I search to find my authentic self at this moment I will miss painting, but like my mom did, I will come back to it and when the time is right I will paint again with more experience and time to devote to it, and hopefully more love in my heart. This life is all about that right? The ebb and flow. Giving and taking. Now is my time to give.. and give and give. I always felt sad and guilty that my mom gave up painting for us kids. I thought it was my fault, but she always said that was how it should be, and now is her time to paint again. She said mothering is it's own creative endeavor. I know that's true and I am putting all my energy into that right now.

So, don't hold your breath for a new painting any time soon, but if I do one, you'll be the first to know.

7 comments:

the beave said...

I think you have more followers than you think! You are so talented it inspires people like me who STRUGGLE with enjoying the creative process. Your mom sounds like a very wise woman:) Hopefully number three will be easier than number two. Two months after (a little adjusting as expected) I had number three, my 2 boys clung to each other for entertainment and physical touch (wrestling instead of my lap). It has truly been a blessing.

hayley said...

oops, that comment was from me.

rebecca said...

Did I miss somewhere that you are pregnant??? Wow!!! Congratulations!!!! I hope you have a boy, cuz 3 boys are so much fun and you are such a good boy mommy:) BTW, I think raising your boys the way you do is an amazing artistic process!!! You are awesome!!!!

The Posse said...

This is something that has taken me a long time to learn. The difficulty is that I started so young that I never really discovered my creative side and it's never had much chance to develop. So I recognize the wistfulness, but I've found that one way I have to channel some creativity is through photography--- and then I just take pictures of my kids and the things we do! Learning how to refocus my creative energies into the adventures motherhood brings certainly is a challenge. You're so good at it- I love watching you with your kids. They are just a different sort of masterpiece.

DeGooyer Family said...

Congratulations!!!!!!!!!! When are you due?

Amy Evans said...

Good job Mel- You are already wonderwoman - but I'm glad you aren't pushing yourself too hard.
You're awesome.

theflanfam said...

I love that you are a painter! If you feel the itch I would love to learn from you. We could trade talents, or I could pay you...but I know that feeling. Time to put "first things first". so...if you want to...
Jena Flanagan